From: Defeated
A raw letter from someone exhausted by constant criticism, unsolicited advice, and the pressure to live life “correctly.” This entry speaks to the quiet burnout of trying hard, feeling unseen, and wondering if wanting to be left alone means something is wrong with you.
Dear Douglas,
I am feeling really tired of the way that people make me feel. Why are people so critical, always telling me what I should do? I just feel like I try so hard but no one sees the effort. I already feel bad about myself, but when people give me unsolicited advice, I just want to get away. I want to be invisible and left alone. Am I that bad, that everyone feels that they know better how to live life than I do? I am really tired of it. Can you help me?
Defeated
Dear Defeated,
I am glad that you have sought out help…before you live down to your name. You are not defeated, but you do need some different ways to think about what people say and how it affects you.
Let’s start with the statement about how you feel about yourself. “I already feel bad about myself.” When a person has low self esteem, criticism and advice is often interpreted as reinforcement of what they already feel about them self. For example…If I hold the belief that I am a lousy cook and someone suggests I add a little more of one ingredient or another, I tend to focus on how that person is criticizing me, rather than considering the suggestion as a way to improve my cooking. The suggestion feels like a criticism which reinforces the belief I have about myself. I feel hurt, alienated from the person who offered advice and less likely to try cooking again. I barely consider the new option.
Let’s contrast that with a person who has a healthy confidence in them self, but also might not be a good cook. They might hold the outlook that they are not good at everything, but if they try they may learn how and eventually get better. The advice might be seen as another person’s idea of what might improve the dish. A confident person would discern for them self if that ingredient might improve the taste. They might try it, but not necessarily. A confident person would also consider the credibility or the person who gave the advice in order to assess whether the advice was sincere and meant to be helpful…or whether it was influenced by ulterior motives like competition or for the purpose of intending to put them down. Quite quickly the confident person can assess the value of the advice and the trustworthiness of the person who offered it. At no point do they think that the other person has made them feel any way…positive or negative.
Low self esteem is pain to live with. It includes beliefs about ourselves that give us negative
Douglas
