From: Green in HMC
This letter explores how jealousy can quietly undermine intimacy, even in relationships built on love and shared future goals. Through one man’s honest confession, Dear Douglas examines the roots of suspicion, the fear beneath control, and what it truly takes to rebuild trust before it’s too late.
Dear Douglas,
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now. We are both in our early thirties and both want to find a partner to settle with and, possibly, have a family. There is a problem that interferes with our commitment to each other and which I can’t seem to control…it is my jealousy. Even though there appears to be no real evidence or indication that she is cheating on me and tells me that she would not do that, I cannot stop my thoughts when I start to feel jealous. I want to know where she is and who she is with and sometimes I check up on her to see if she is telling me the truth. Last week she told me she was tired of my suspicion and paranoia and that if I couldn’t get over it she would end our relationship. I can see it is my problem, but I don’t know why I feel this way and I don’t know how to stop these feelings. Tell me what to do.
Green in HCMC
Hello Green,
Intrusive emotions, like jealousy, are difficult to manage because, while it is me who feels them, it seems like they come from outside of me, like it is happening to me. Jealousy is a fear-based emotion and is the opposite of trust. It is an emotion that can become quite intense, quite quickly. Once any emotion becomes intense it can override the psychological system…particularly the way we think about the situation. It temporarily distorts our perspective and influences us to behave in ways that later we may regret, or see as inappropriate. When we don’t recognize that we are under the influence of jealousy or we believe the distorted perspective, we often impose our fears on to our partner. This can look and feel like controlling or possessive behavior and will ultimately create its own consequence. Your girlfriend is telling you now that she is not willing to tolerate your intrusive behavior.
The first step toward reducing the effect of jealousy on your relationship is to accept it as your problem not hers, and to stop any controlling behaviors that come from this feeling. If she has male friendships or behaves in ways that you feel are flirtatious, it is honest and fair to let her know that it is difficult for you and that it is stirring these feelings…but it is not fair to ask her to change to adapt to your feelings. You may have to ask the question…is she the right woman for me?
The dilemma is an internal one. When we are taken over by jealousy it takes place in our body and feels like an invasive force. It sounds strange to say, but once we are aware of the feeling it is better for us to welcome it, to get to know it, and to make peace with it, than it is to resist it or allow ourselves to act on the fuel of that feeling. So…try to personify it by giving it a shape, a color, a character, a temperature, etc. Measure the intensity of the feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 to 5 is when the feeling is not as strong as your ability to control it. You are aware of it, but you can focus on other things and control your behavior. When the feeling goes above 5 in intensity you will feel obsessed with the thoughts it produces and the desire to act…so as to relieve the intensity of the feeling. When it is an 8, 9, or 10 you are no longer thinking accurately and will not know how to get out of the discomfort of the feelings you are having. By learning how to recognize the feelings early, you can avoid getting to that level of intensity, but if you are in it you will need someone to talk to (not your girlfriend) who can talk you down and give you some perspective. The goal is always to move toward being more calm and gaining a more relaxed perspective.
Sometimes we are carrying unresolved issues that are related to trust, self-doubt, or fear of intimacy. It might be wise to speak with a psychotherapist to explore our personal history to see if there is a connection between experiences of the past and what we are experiencing now. There is plenty of reason to be optimistic…we can only learn by living and here is an opportunity to learn.
Good luck,
Douglas
