From: Painful Friend
RELATIONSHIPSIDENTITYLOSSMEANINGFAMILY
Dear Douglas,
I always read the article you write in The Word each month. I think you understand many things about how to help people and give good advice.
My friend is feeling very bad because her boyfriend, who is a foreigner, broke up with her after more than 3 years of being together. She says she feels abandoned and betrayed because she put so much into being with him and now he just ended it because he said he didn’t want to have a future with her, but no real reason she can understand.
She thought that they would get married and have a family, but he was just not ready yet. She is 28 years old now. She feels embarrassed with her family because she told them that it would work out… even though they said he is not a good guy for her.
I worry that she will do something stupid because she said her whole life is not good. Can you help me help her?
Painful Friend
Hello Friend,
Your friend is fortunate to have you to listen to her and to help her go through the painful time after a breakup. While nothing can take away the pain of a loss, it is so much different when we are not alone and we feel the love and support of others in our life.
While I don’t know the details of the relationship between your friend and her boyfriend, I often see the dynamics that lead to the kind of pain your friend is feeling. When Vietnamese women have boyfriends who are living here from a foreign country they might have different expectations about what a relationship means for them. It is more likely that a Vietnamese woman would expect that a relationship is headed toward marriage if it lasts more than one year. Vietnamese women would need to assure their parents that what they are doing is trustworthy. It is not always the same for the foreign men who come to Vietnam. It might be part of an adventurous chapter in their lives, away from home and discovering new things. A girlfriend might be something they might want “for now” without the clear idea that it will lead to marriage, a family and a commitment. That combination is a recipe for a lot of pain…particularly when the relationship extends beyond a year.
I have heard from foreign guys who tell me that they have told their girlfriend all along that they were not interested in a serious relationship. I have heard from Vietnamese women who have believed that their boyfriend would change if she could prove her love and be devoted to him. Too many times, I have heard from couples who have not talked about what they are doing…what the expectations are…and proceed with little clarity about the relationship they have.
Your friend is suffering the loss of the connection and the loss of a dream…the hope to have a life with her boyfriend. There is no quick fix for this kind of loss. It is very difficult to accept things we do not want for our lives. Slowly, she will have to re-shape a different view of her life and her future.
Best Regards,
Douglas Holwerda