From: Unadjusted

Dear Douglas,

I have lived in Vietnam for 8 months now, coming from the States. Adjusting to the culture here has been difficult for me and I wonder if you have any tips about how I can do it. I find myself frustrated almost every day at, what seems like, rudeness and inconsideration from Vietnamese people. They never stand in line, the cashiers rarely say thank you or act politely, the ask me how old I am all the time and always want to know why I am not married. The other day one of the Vietnamese staff where I work, whom I don’t know well, told me I look fat. My Vietnamese staff doesn’t seem to respond when they can see that I am angry and want them to improve what they are doing. I am getting more frustrated living here. Am I the only one who feels like this?

Unadjusted

Dear Unadjusted,

Welcome to Vietnam. I am glad that you realize that you are the one that bears the responsibility of “adjusting”. Recognize that you are not alone. Almost everyone who lives in a culture that is different from their own has to come to some resolution about those differences.

Part of what makes up culture is the “norms” by which it operates. Norms are unquestioned practices that the majority of the culture lives by. They can differ widely and can be the catalyst for many occasions when we feel “offended” or frustrated. It is important to step back to see that “norms” are innocent and are just different ways that people have learned to do the same thing. Often our tendency is to think that our way is the right way, or the better way, which makes other ways of doing things wrong. I encourage you to avoid that kind of thinking if you want to adjust to the place you are living.

Let’s address some of the specific norms that you have named in your letter. Seeing them differently might lessen the emotional reaction you are having.

Standing in line is something, we in the United States, are taught from the first day of school. It is deeply ingrained as a norm. We are offended when someone cuts in line. It is part of what we have come to think of as fairness…waiting your turn. In Vietnam it is one of the most difficult norms to give up. Most of us are shocked when people around us see a gap and put themselves in front of us. It is difficult to let go of our “rightness” and see the method of crowding in as an acceptable norm. In reality it is only a different system which accomplishes the same result at the end of the day. I encourage you to learn the subtleties of that system.

Questions or comments about age, marital status and weight are sensitive to most Westerners. So, part of adjusting is realizing the relevance they have in Vietnamese culture. Knowing a person’s age, in Vietnam, gives information as to how they are addressed. “Em”, “Chi”, “Anh”, and “Ba” are used based on a person’s age relative to yours. Marriage is an important part of Vietnamese culture and the frequency of the question creates a social pressure that influences Vietnamese young people to marry. Conforming to these norms is so common that it is confusing for many Vietnamese people to meet single people above the age of 30 and leads to questions that can feel uncomfortable. A culture based on tradition has norms built in that create a pressure to conform. It is similar when it comes to statements about someone’s appearance. It is not meant to offend, but rather to reflect a social attitude that values conforming to “norms”. When we use the term “collectivist culture” it speaks to the ways that boundaries are different between what is expected by the family and community from that of an “individualistic” society.

Expressing anger is another difference to realize here in Vietnam. For most of us in Western Culture, getting angry increases our power in the situation, even if temporarily. In Vietnam, expressing anger is frowned upon. Moderating one’s emotions is part of the norm that allows a collectivist mindset to work. When someone loses control of their emotions…expressing them intensely…they lose credibility rather than gaining power. Often the response is the opposite of what we might be used to…less cooperation, rather than more.

There are many other examples of cultural norms that differ and can create confusion, frustration and judgments. It is important to learn how to not take things personally and to continue to be open to differences. Whether we agree or not…the responsibility falls on those us who have come from another place to live in Vietnam.

Enjoy it all,

Douglas

Douglas’ Response: