From: Worried Friend
A friend witnesses a fatal accident and can’t sleep, can’t work, and doesn’t know how to ask for help. In this Dear Douglas letter, worried friends ask when trauma becomes something that needs professional support and how to encourage someone to seek help without pushing them away.
Dear Douglas
A housemate, who is also a friend of mine, witnessed a gruesome motorbike accident, where the passenger was thrown into a pole and then run over by another motorbike. She died at the scene. Other people were also hurt. He is definitely freaked out. He is having trouble sleeping and skipped work yesterday. His friends are worried about him and not sure how to help him. Should he see a psychologist? How can we convince him to go?
Worried Friends
Friends,
He is fortunate that he has friends who are paying attention and concerned for him. Yes…he has been traumatized and will, undoubtedly, need to work through the ways that this event has affected him. Often the first response is to be flooded with images and details of the event. He may have wanted to talk about it again and again. Other times, a person is overwhelmed and seems to shut down any emotional response and becomes distant and disconnected. It (shock) is a kind of internal protection device that keeps someone from being overwhelmed. Eventually, it is likely that he will notice that he is thinking and feeling differently. Traumas are events that happen in life that suddenly make us aware of how thin the veil is… between safety… and death or catastrophe. That shocking awareness changes how safe we feel doing normal things. He has just witnessed that anything can happen in a split second. It is a common response to feel a hyper-vigilance and to feel jumpy or nervous for a while. It can also affect how a person feels about the meaningfulness of their lives and their relationships. It can influence a person to question everything about their life, as if through a different lens.
It can be very helpful for a person to have a special time and place (therapy) to bring these thoughts and feelings to light. Friends can help, but often find it difficult to sustain the kind of support a person might need. Many people repress the trauma…meaning they go on with life as if nothing has happened. It generally shows up later in life as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The effects of true trauma will not go away by ignoring them. It is better when a person can face these things early on and go through a process that re-stabilizes them and allows them to understand the realities of the healing process.
People seem to know that when we are grieving the loss of a loved one, we have special permission to live life differently, to allow for sadness and other emotions to come and go. Some cultures have ways to honor that period of time…wearing black or rituals that honor the grieving process. It seems unfortunate that we don’t seem to have the same understanding for those who have been traumatized. Often, a person feels that they have to continue to function at the same level and that they cannot really tell others about what they are going through. For some traumas, like rape, it is particularly difficult because it is so personal that it feels like increasing the violation for too many other people to know.
Show your friend this letter or offer to go with him to a psychologist the first time. Stay close and responsive to him…but not to a point where you burn yourself out with his needs and then feel the need to get away from him. Understand that it has an effect on you too. Friends can often support him best as a group.
I wish you wellness and healing,
Douglas
