Reflections on Life Abroad and Returning Home
A former Vietnamese student shares her reflections on cultural differences, family expectations, and the pressures of balancing Eastern traditions with Western influences. She writes about the tension of wanting freedom while staying connected to family, and the struggle of returning home after experiencing life abroad
Dear Douglas,
Here is a portion of a letter I received from a former Vietnamese student of mine, who is currently studying abroad.
I think media plays a big role in shaping our opinion about the world. As a child, I already noticed that the way my parents, especially my father, treated me was different (in a negative way) from what I saw on TV. An American father, for example, would ask his children's opinion and treat them like adults. It is to say that we don't need to wait until we become adults to experience the cultural differences. Adulthood is critical because it is the time we have to face bigger question in life, such as love and marriage, career, etc. Again, media show us alternatives of lifestyles and other choices. We don't need to speak English or study abroad to know that. People who go out, and then, come back to VN are extreme examples. In my opinion, young Vietnamese who understand and appreciate both Western and Eastern values suffer the most. They want to be free, but they care about their families and understand the traditions. They have one foot in and one foot out and they are stuck. When I think about going back to VN and facing tons of questions and pressure from my family to do what they want, I just don't want to come back. But they are still my family. I have to meet them some day. It is sad to think about your family like that.
There are no questions here, but I will share some thoughts about what she says.
Dear
Thank you for sharing your truth with me, as painful as it might be. Your letter is an example of what I hear quite often from my Vietnamese clients. Sometimes they are anxious, quite depressed or deeply frustrated about their situation and don’t know what to do.
I would like to step back from the personal experiences people are having and to look at it briefly through the lens of social change. Vietnam has gone through a great deal of change in the past 70 years, the lifetime of many who are living today. The childhoods of each generation who are living now have been very different from one another. There is no space here for a history lesson, but is undoubtedly true that years of suffering have preceded the relative abundance that exists today. That suffering and the losses inherent in them create a history, not unlike what other countries have gone through in the aftermath of war. People existed in survival mode, uncertain if basic physical and emotional needs would be met.
We all know this…but maybe we don’t always see how these differences might change the way we approach life. Abraham Maslow created a model called the “hierarchy of needs”, in which the premise is that the baseline needs for safety and survival come first. When they are not met, the needs higher up the chain such as, belonging, self esteem and self actualization will not be met.
While I see the problems that many young people are facing as having much to do with cultural expectations, I also hold open the possibility that restrictions that are applied to the young people are part of the affect of the collective traumatization of Vietnamese people. Recently, some visiting German psychologist shared with me the painful part of their history after WWII, where those who lived through that war period and its aftermath were not able to allow the next generation the freedom to advance themselves. The conflicts that occurred and generation gap that was felt had painful consequences that are still rippling in German culture today.
From my personal experience working with your Vietnamese people, I also feel a limit in the options that they experience to align themselves with their own aspirations. The obligation to the influences outside of themselves creates internal conflicts that are very challenging.
My hope is that a bigger discussion is created which helps an entire culture navigate the change that is so much a part of modern life.
Thanks for the letter. I hope this is helpful.
Douglas
