Why Can't I Decide What to Do With My Life?
Ten years after graduating from university, a man finds himself questioning the lifestyle that once brought him excitement and fulfillment. Watching friends settle into family life while he remains uncertain about his own path, he writes to Douglas about feeling stuck, directionless, and unable to make decisions about the future.
Dear Douglas,
I am a 28 year old German girl and have been living abroad for 3 years. My job is OK and I like Hanoi but I am tired of seeing people coming and going. When I came I thought it would be for a year, but now the idea of moving back home to Germany sounds really bad. I feel confused and like I am coasting in to the future without a plan. My friends at home are all getting into careers or are getting married and having babies while I can’t see beyond the weekend at Hanoi Rock City. Whenever I try to think about the future I freeze and light up another cigarette.
Should I stay or should I go?
Future-phobic
Dear Future-phobic,
Thanks for sharing a problem that many people struggle with.
The “uncertainty” of the future is causing you fear and stress. You feel the need to have a plan and decide if you want the same things your friends are doing. Because you are not clear you find yourself avoiding the question and appeasing the anxiety it creates with cigarettes or going out. Little did you know that when you left home that you would come to see things differently, and you would feel confused about what you want and what you should do. It is not uncommon for expats to feel both enjoyment and adventure while living abroad and the turmoil that comes when they see how it changes their outlook.
My advice is… to shift from concern about the future to how it is you are dealing with the stress and emotions that you are experiencing day to day. We all have coping mechanisms to help us deal with the discomfort of anxiety and stress. Some of them are meant to provide relief and to escape painful feelings and… some are ways that we help ourselves to feel better. Some coping mechanisms simply delay the problem, even exacerbate it, and some coping mechanisms moves us toward a better state of mind where we are more likely to see clearly what our best options are. Decisions seem to flow more naturally when we are at ease with ourselves and seeing through a lens of optimism that comes from feeling “reasonably” well in the present. Let go of the big decision and focus on the small decisions you make every day. What gives you true enjoyment? What makes you feel good about yourself? What does it mean to you to feel healthy, relaxed, interested in life? It is possible that you are also carrying “unfinished business” from your past. Reflecting and resolving issues from the past can also liberate us all to be more alive in the present which leads us to trust our intuitions to guide us into our future.
Maybe you would find that facing these feelings would be easier with the support of a therapist or committed friend. We always feel better when we realize we are not in it alone.
Douglas
