Why Serious Conversations With Men Sometimes Go Nowhere
A reader writes in questioning whether sarcasm and cynicism are harmless humor or emotional armor. When sincere conversations are repeatedly deflected, what’s really being avoided? This letter explores masculinity, emotional safety, and the quiet cost of never taking feelings seriously.
Dear Douglas,
Something has been bugging me, lately, about my boyfriend and his friends. These guys are smart and educated, but whenever a serious topic comes up in the group, they turn sarcastic and make fun of anyone who wants to offer a sincere opinion, or express some feelings. I wonder why this is. While sometimes I see the humor in this, I wonder… are sarcasm and cynicism healthy ways to communicate? Why is it that it is always guys who don’t want to talk about anything serious? I told my boyfriend, recently, that it bothered me that no conversations ever go anywhere because he can’t take things seriously and dismisses my feelings like they are somehow childish. I am not sure what to do about this. Am I missing something?
Seriously
Dear Seriously,
It sounds like you are asking an important question about the difference between men and women and how it influences what you can expect from your boyfriend. Being heard and understood is pretty important and having your thoughts and feelings dismissed produces frustration and resentment.
Communication is one of the great challenges in the human experience. To open up to one another or to discuss difficult ideas is not easy for many people. One way to make it safe to be together is to create unspoken “norms” about what we can say or express with one another. It is safer to stay on the surface of topics than to explore the differences we might have with others or the ways what we say affects one another. Men tend to talk about common interests and experiences much more than women…who do share feelings and opinions more naturally.
Sarcasm is one way that people deal with the discomfort of expressing themselves openly. It holds in it, not only the content of what is said, but a tone that is an indication of power or anger. It can be a “norm” that dismisses the genuine sharing of ideas or feelings to cover the vulnerability that is inherent in openness. Openness requires a trust which is often lacking in groups of people, who can sometimes be socially competitive, even as friends.
We all have a need to believe that our perspective on reality is accurate. Men, more than women, feel the need to be “right” and are often uncomfortable not knowing something or having someone else’s opinion challenge the way we think. In order to keep ourselves from facing the fact that we don’t always see things correctly, we use power to determine what we can talk about or take in. Acceptance or rejection is a part of every interaction and most of us want to feel we are in control as a way of avoiding rejection.
Sarcasm or cynical attitudes are ways to produce an “offensive” defensiveness. There may be times when it is funny or appropriate to use these to deal with a situation. However, if it is the way a person is communicating about another’s’ feelings or topics that are important to discuss, I feel like it is “red flag” and may suggest a person who is not comfortable with themselves enough to be open and vulnerable. We do know that sustainable relationships are predicated on trust and an ability to communicate effectively. Openness and vulnerability are part of that. I don’t know that you have influence or can draw conclusions from your boyfriends communications in a group, but if you don’t feel like he can follow a deeper conversation with you, and how you need him to understand your feelings and perspectives…I’d think twice about how well he is a match for you, Seriously!
Stay true to yourself and ask for what you need.
Wishing you wellness,
Douglas
